Title: Donald Trump: The Only Man Who Can Bring World Peace… and Still Get Booed at Whole Foods
By: A Reasonably Exhausted Observer of the Human Condition
Let’s talk about the phenomenon known as Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) — a strange condition where people would literally rather be eaten by raccoons than admit that Donald Trump ever did something good.
You could wake up tomorrow to a press conference where Trump announced,
“We’ve ended all wars, cured inflation, reversed old age, and invented bacon that makes you lose weight,” and someone on X would still scream:
“Yeah but… he spelled ‘hamburger’ wrong back in 2018."
Economy is Booming. But He Once Tweeted in All Caps.
Let’s rewind to the Trump years, shall we? Pre-pandemic, we had the lowest unemployment in decades, wages were rising, and you didn’t need to sell a kidney to buy eggs. But try pointing that out at a brunch table in Portland and someone will throw an oat milk latte at your head and accuse you of “platforming fascism.”
You say:
“But my 401k is doing great!”
They say:
“He made fun of Rosie O’Donnell on TV in 2006!”
Ah yes, clearly the greater offense.
Peace Deals? Eh, Who Cares... Orange Man Bad.
Trump brokered historic peace agreements in the Middle East — remember those? The Abraham Accords? Actual countries with centuries of beef shaking hands and signing things? For most presidents, that’d be Nobel Peace Prize territory. For Trump? The press said,
“Yeah, but did you see his tie? It’s too long. And it's red.”
It’s like if he single-handedly rescued kittens from a volcano and the headline would read:
“Trump Rescues Kittens, Fails to Wash Hands Afterwards.”
Mean Tweets = Existential Crisis, Apparently
Look, I get it. He trolls his haters like a college dropout. He exaggerates like a man possessed. He sometimes says things that sound like he lost a bet with a thesaurus. But folks, he could resurrect Ronald Reagan and host him in the Oval Office and people would still be foaming at the mouth about "his tone".
Can’t we just admit things are pretty good — at least economically — without immediately hyperventilating about his hair style?
Trump Could Discover Alien Life and Still Get Cancelled
Imagine this: Trump walks out on the White House lawn, holding hands with a glowing Space alien who just cured cancer. MSNBC:
“Sources say Trump pressured the alien into a peace deal using improper tone. Experts alarmed.”
Final Thoughts from a Sarcastic Survivor of Liberal Logic
We live in a world where results don’t matter as much as feelings. Trump could deliver the cure to male pattern baldness and end traffic jams forever, and some guy with a “Coexist” bumper sticker would still insist he's the reincarnation of Hitler because he once ordered a portrait removed from the Pentagon.1
People don’t hate Trump because of what he does. They hate him because of how he makes them feel. Their worldview is extremely fragile. God forbid that maybe, someone outside the elite cabal of cocktail-sipping beltway denizens can actually get important things done.
So yeah. Hate him all you want. But while you’re busy screaming into your kombucha about his “tone,” just remember: Gas is cheaper, eggs are cheaper, jobs are booming, and no new wars.
Besides — he once called CNN “fake news,” so clearly we must act like the last four years were a biblical plague of frogs.
God bless America. And pass the bacon.
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1. Trump had the Pentagon remove an official portrait of former Joint Chiefs Chairman Mark “White Rage” Milley.
2. During his Middle East tour in May 2025, President Trump accepted an offer from Qatar for a $400 million Boeing 747-8 to serve as a replacement for Air Force One. Hey, it was a gift. So back off.
3. It's the "Gulf of America" now - damn it!
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