The Two Trumps

The Two Trumps: One an Evil Dictator, the other a Bald Eagle in a Suit

By Lou Poparee

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, a man so controversial that he simultaneously exists as two completely different people—like Schrödinger’s Cat, except one cat is tweeting “LAW & ORDER!” in all caps and the other is apparently minutes away from declaring himself the first Supreme Fascist King of America while riding a gold golf cart into the Capitol.

There’s the Fake Trump, the one that lives rent-free in the fever dreams of cable news producers, every Democrat, and every editor at The New York Times who wears glasses so thick they can see climate change. This Trump is an evil, narcissistic, boorish, orange, hate-mongering authoritarian who—according to media experts—once tried to overthrow the government by using his signature dance (which is nauseating to every leftist). He is said to lie so often that if he says, “Good morning,” CNN will fact-check the sun.

This Trump is apparently plotting to cancel democracy, outlaw happiness, starve old people, dissolve all branches of government, and appoint his dog as Secretary of State (if he had a dog—currently that job is filled by Human Attack-Dog Stephen Miller).

And then there’s the Real Trump, known to about half the country as Captain Constitution—a man who puts America first, works for free, negotiates with dictators by confusing them into peace, and somehow made world leaders at the UN look like they just sat on a thumbtack by saying, “We will never surrender our sovereignty to unelected globalists.” That Trump.

To be fair, both Trumps exist, depending on who you ask and what time of day it is. If you tune in to MSNBC, you’ll hear something like:

“Tonight at 9, we’ll examine whether Trump’s mispronunciation of ‘Yosemite’ proves he’s forming a white nationalist nature cult.”

But if you turn to Newsmax, they’re holding a candlelight vigil under a giant bald eagle hologram while quoting The Art of the Deal like scripture:

“And lo, The Donald said unto the IRS, ‘Audit me not, for I am but a humble builder of golf resorts.’”

Let’s review some of Real Trump’s actual accomplishments, which Fake Trump is way too evil and distracted by Diet Coke to have pulled off:

•  He fixed the border crisis in a mere 45 days.

•  He lowered taxes, which meant Americans had more money to buy important necessities like flags, ammo, and novelty “Let’s Go Brandon” Christmas ornaments.

• He brokered peace deals in the Middle East. No, really. Actual deals. With real countries. We assume they were not threatened with Trump Steaks.

• He dismantled hundreds of federal regulations, thereby freeing American businesses from having to file Form 986-J just to sell pickles across state lines.

• He stood up to China, a sentence that has previously only appeared in American history books as a fantasy novel next to unicorns and functioning Amtrak routes.

Meanwhile, Fake Trump is portrayed in the press as a dictator-in-training who gets ideas from reruns of Game of Thrones and once tried to weaponize Sharpies. His followers, we’re told, are all barely literate yokels who live in sheds made of canned beans and believe Hulk Hogan is a philosopher. Yet these same stupid people are, somehow, also dangerously organized and about to overthrow democracy using nothing but bass boats and TikTok memes.

The truth? Trump is a true patriot. But satire is no place for real truth.

Here’s the thing: The media doesn’t cover Real Trump very much, because Fake Trump gets better ratings (they think). Evil Trump sells (they think). Real Trump occasionally fixes trade deals, but Fake Trump starts coups while tweeting about Rosie O’Donnell. The media needs Evil Trump. Without him, their programming would be limited to stories like “Experts Warn Climate Change May Affect Dog Park Attendance.”

So where does that leave us? Are there two Trumps? Is he both the Destroyer of Worlds and the guy who brought common sense back to American government? Is he a deranged tyrant, or just a guy with odd hair who managed to both anger Washington insiders and make press conferences exciting for the first time since the invention of TV?

We may never know. Or we’ll know in about 30 years, when historians look back and say, “Well, he was a lot more interesting than Millard Fillmore.”

Until then, just remember: whether you love Trump, loathe Trump, or simply wish both Trumps would stop emailing you for $5 every 17 minutes… you are not alone.

And if nothing else, he did bring us one unifying truth that both sides can agree on: Our Government is really messed up.

God bless America. And avoid MSNBC.